It's the night before the big flight and I'm anxious. Anxious mostly out of excitement. I've gotten over, or at least put from my mind, most of my fears about the move... Now I'm just afraid I won't be able to fall asleep because I'm tired. I'm also not looking forwards to saying goodbye to mom... It's going to be really hard tomorrow morning, trying to express so much with such few words. I know I'll see her again in a month or so, but the trip tomorrow seems so final. After the five weeks of being back with her during the summer, it's back to Washington for a whole year and possibly longer. It will be the longest time I've ever been away from her. I'm really not looking forwards to it.
My brother Freddy is a real inspiration to me right now. He was about my age when he said goodbye to mom. When we all moved out to Utah, he was almost exactly as old as I am now. I'm sure it was really hard for him to loose his whole family in just one night. At least it will be easier for me seeing as I'm not leaving behind all my family. Still, I love my mom, more than she knows. I've always related to her better than to dad, which is weird because sometimes she drives me crazy with the way she torments me. I've promised to keep in contact via e-mail, phone, or text at least three to four times a week, and I intend to keep that promise; I don't really see the point in not keeping it.
Alas, the wispy tendrils of sleep beckon, and when such strong albeit slippery bonds pull you down into the dark waters of unconscious, there is but one thing for you to do; let go the firm grasp on reality and allow yourself to be dragged to the bottom of your deepest dreams. So here I go... Wish me luck on the precarious voyage that is sleep, and may God grant me good fortune on the slightly less precarious voyage that is the airplane flight to Seattle... Oh but a joy past joy calls out on me, it were a grief, so brief, to part with thee; farewell.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Keine Angst...
I've been really nervous recently. Just super anxious over the move... I know it's what I want to do. I can't stand living in Utah anymore... I've had to endure it for almost three years now, and it's just really getting to me. I can't be myself to just anyone, I have to judge what kind of person they are first. It's really sad.
I feel like Washington is a much better choice, but I can't help having strange glimpses of tragedy and destruction. For some reason, every time I go to sleep, I always have weird feelings. It's almost as if every doubt I have about the move is accumulating in one spot and making a big display in my mind every night. I really need to get rid of all the tension I feel. I need to start jogging/exercising more.
I know that if I were to entertain every devastating thought my imagination can conjure, I would have no hope whatsoever. I would be literally overrun with terrible images and gruesome scenarios until I went insane. It's interesting and ironic that humans are given such an amazing tool as imagination, and some people can only make foul use of it.
This isn't the first time this has happened. When I was about nine or ten, I was so afraid of going blind, or of people coming and kidnapping me, or of dying terribly, or of other such things, that the only things I can really remember about that period of my life were the fears that I lived with every single day.
I need a good relaxing mantra to say to myself every night, or else a calming process that would help me forget my fears and analyze situations rationally.
It's sad that I've been given such a wonderful opportunity for change and the only thing I can think of is how it could go wrong. I guess it just goes to show how pitifully afraid I am. I need to start facing my fears, and moving to Washington is how I can start.
When I observe my behavior from different stand-points, I see how ridiculous my fears are. Religiously, I could say that God does not work through fear, but that Satan does. Scientifically I could say that everyone has to die sometime, that life is merely the eventuality of death. Spiritually I could say that my room conducts bad energy and that I am just being influenced by that. Mathematically I could say that the odds of me dying are equal to all the ways in which i could die over all the ways I can continue living and, given that there are infinite choices to choose from in life, there are infinite ways in which to live, but only a vast, yet fathomable, number of ways in which to die. The odds of living are definitely in my favor, and that has been proven since I have been alive for seventeen years. Philosophically, I could say that dying will eventually be the only thing left to do, and that people should embrace their physical departure with open arms.
Obviously, I've just proved the irrationality of my fears/worries... And yet, I continue to have them. I suppose only time will tell. And even if the worst happens, "to die will be a great adventure."
I feel like Washington is a much better choice, but I can't help having strange glimpses of tragedy and destruction. For some reason, every time I go to sleep, I always have weird feelings. It's almost as if every doubt I have about the move is accumulating in one spot and making a big display in my mind every night. I really need to get rid of all the tension I feel. I need to start jogging/exercising more.
I know that if I were to entertain every devastating thought my imagination can conjure, I would have no hope whatsoever. I would be literally overrun with terrible images and gruesome scenarios until I went insane. It's interesting and ironic that humans are given such an amazing tool as imagination, and some people can only make foul use of it.
This isn't the first time this has happened. When I was about nine or ten, I was so afraid of going blind, or of people coming and kidnapping me, or of dying terribly, or of other such things, that the only things I can really remember about that period of my life were the fears that I lived with every single day.
I need a good relaxing mantra to say to myself every night, or else a calming process that would help me forget my fears and analyze situations rationally.
It's sad that I've been given such a wonderful opportunity for change and the only thing I can think of is how it could go wrong. I guess it just goes to show how pitifully afraid I am. I need to start facing my fears, and moving to Washington is how I can start.
When I observe my behavior from different stand-points, I see how ridiculous my fears are. Religiously, I could say that God does not work through fear, but that Satan does. Scientifically I could say that everyone has to die sometime, that life is merely the eventuality of death. Spiritually I could say that my room conducts bad energy and that I am just being influenced by that. Mathematically I could say that the odds of me dying are equal to all the ways in which i could die over all the ways I can continue living and, given that there are infinite choices to choose from in life, there are infinite ways in which to live, but only a vast, yet fathomable, number of ways in which to die. The odds of living are definitely in my favor, and that has been proven since I have been alive for seventeen years. Philosophically, I could say that dying will eventually be the only thing left to do, and that people should embrace their physical departure with open arms.
Obviously, I've just proved the irrationality of my fears/worries... And yet, I continue to have them. I suppose only time will tell. And even if the worst happens, "to die will be a great adventure."
Sunday, May 2, 2010
So I'm watching...
So I'm watching the Discovery channel. I usually don't watch T.V. but seeing as we just moved into a place where cable is free, I've been watching it much more frequently. I have to say... the Discovery channel is my favorite channel. Right now, it's "How the Universe Works"... Absolutely incredible. The facts that they throw out to people, not to mention the passion that these scientists feel about the things they discuss is mind-boggling. It really renews my faith in people. For instance, the stars that are at the center of the milky way are moving millions of miles per hour. Keep in mind... These aren't just planets... These are actual Suns. Like our sun. Our closest neighbor galaxy, the Andromeda galaxy, is revolving around a black hole that is millions of times the size of our sun. Our sun is millions of times the size of our Earth. There are some galaxies that are BILLIONS of times the size of our sun. If you don't understand exactly how much that is, you're not alone. The sheer size is astronomical... Literally... (Now you see why they use that term to describe such things). There are theories that at the center of the Universe, there is a ridiculously gigantic super-massive black hole, several billion times the size of our galaxy. If that's the case, according to popular theory about black holes, this particular hole could reduce the matter of the entire universe to the size of a ping-pong ball. And where have we heard that before? The big bang! Imagine if, at the end of our Universe's life, all matter (seeing as matter cannot be created or destroyed, simple changed) is recycled into the original form, and explodes outwards again to create even more life. If that's the case, imagine how many times that has happened before! This could be the 17th cycle of matter. Just think though... If that's the case, and there is a black hole billions of times the size of our galaxy at the center of the universe, and scientists say the universe is still expanding, it will be quadrillions of years before the universe could even begin to think of recycling itself. Far longer than the life-span of our sun. Who knows... Maybe when our sun explodes, it might become a black hole... Not that we'd be alive if that happened... Food for thought I guess. Up next... "Into the Universe with Steven Hawking."
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