Sometimes life seems so unreal where I am, that I worry it will be just as unreal elsewhere. I feel so different out here, that my relationships with people are dwindling. I'm not accepted in this reality, so I escape to the ones other people have created. Ironically enough, escaping to an alternative reality only decreases my chances of being normal, of being accepted.
There's really only one thing for it. I can either shut myself off from humanity, or completely envelop myself in it. The latter, I'm not positive I'm ready for. Even if I was, I'm not sure I'd want to. I don't feel the need to change in order to fit in to a place that's so temporary.
Maybe I'm just refusing to grow up, to get a life, to be normal. But if I'm not normal, then I'm different. And If I'm not different, I'm the same as everyone else. I honestly think that if I was like everyone else, I would want to be different. But here I am, obviously not the same as almost anyone out here... and all I can do is obsess over the fact that life's so hard. Here I am, different from everyone else... Why am I not making the most of it?
I'm loosing sight I guess. Fearful of the consequences should I express my differences. I guess I'm scared of what people think.. Maybe not what they 'think' I really couldn't care less about that. I'm scared of what happens when they translate their thinking into physical action. It scares me to death. And maybe I'm just making excuses for the fact that I'm not sure I want to envelop myself with people. Maybe it's a genuine fear. Who knows?
I'm loosing sight of the things I want... What do I want to do with my life? What is my ultimate goal? And if my goals can't be fulfilled when I'm in a place like the one I am in... What's there to do but go to a new place and try there?
Two things hold me back. Two important, terrifying things. First of all, the people I have in my life; my family. I love my family, though sometimes I may loose sight of the fact... I love my family very much, and I am afraid of how they would be affected by my actions. I am afraid I would so solidly break the bonds holding me to my family that by the time I have accomplished my goals, and it's no longer about me.. I'm afraid I won't be able to return when it's all about them.
Second... What if reality here, isn't the only reality I don't fit in to? I'm afraid that blaming my unhappiness on the fact that I am in a place that hates me... daydreaming about another place where I can fit in... I'm afraid hating here and hoping for somewhere else is just an excuse for hating everywhere. What if the only place I can really fit in, is a place nobody else knows?
I fear I'm living ahead of my time, or behind it... Who knows? Maybe I'm living in my time, but just stubbornly, unconsciously, idiotically, fearfully, snobbishly, refusing to accept the fact that there are some people who could love me. I know there are people who love me... My family, for one. But as of right now, I am convinced of the fact that I can never be genuinely happy here, and here is where my family chooses to live. I can't ask them to change that. But eventually, and maybe I'm taking too long to convince myself of this... but eventually, I need to leave. Eventually I will NEED to break the bonds that hold me back. Eventually this will mean nothing. Eventually I won't mind this place as much because I won't have to live here. But why can't eventually be now? Why can't I be free already? What godforsaken force brought me here? What ridiculously selfish power is keeping me here? There's really only one strength powerful enough to do that, and that would be my own.
I'm here for you Brett, no matter what, I'll always try to understand and keep an open mind. You sound so mature and intelligent, it must be very frustrating to be held down by so many oppositions, life isn't ready for you yet, many your age have never experienced the social conditioning you have, nor have the even dreamt the physical and emotional toil you've been placed in. Find some way to grow through it, and in time you will soar above those underdeveloped peers, you will soar to places they can only begin to imagine. These are the most important years you have to shape the future you can obtain, make them the most successful you possibly can. And just hang in there, there's much more to life you have yet to experience!
ReplyDelete