A weird funk and a wild solution

It seems like every time I blog, it's always a negative thing. And though this post is no exception, at least it's almost been a year.

A really weird funk is passing over me. It's the kind of funk that doesn't let you decide on the right playlist to sleep with. Do you want something depressing, or maybe something inspiring? Or do you want something loud and obnoxious to help you forget what's going on in your real life? Which is really just the problem. Nothing is going on in my real life.

And I finally realize why I feel this way. I do not, by any means, define myself by how many friends I have in my life. But I do define myself by the quality of the friendship I have in my life, and lately that quality of friendship has been questionable. The way my particular group of friends have been treating me, by no fault of their own, has left me feeling like I'm disinteresting, and like I'm not worth their time. And maybe it's the way I've been acting. I don't know. All I know is I feel undervalued.

And it's not just in my friendship that I feel undervalued in. It's also in my job. I've been working really hard the past seven months, working forty hours a week without a vacation, and I'm getting really tired of it. And I would take a vacation, except I can't. I don't get paid time off, I don't get benefits, I don't get any of it. And I'm getting paid just over half of what I should be getting paid for the work I do.

I just feel like people don't appreciate me. And on top of that, I feel like every similarly gay person I meet out here takes one look at me and writes me off because I'm not enough of one thing or another for them.

And I feel like everything, what with the way customers respond to me at work, and the way my friends ignore me, and the way other gay people look at me, all of these things are forcing me to compensate for each one individually, and I'm forced to act like someone that I'm not every other second, and the stress of changing like that has finally gotten to me. I'm not a happy person anymore. I'm actually quite miserable. I just want to be myself, whoever that is. And I feel like once I start doing that, people will either be forced to recognize me, or forced to write me off, and I have never had a problem with that. If people can't handle me, that's their own problem. I just need to get a foothold on myself again, a jumpstart reminder, if you will, of who I really am. And I think that requires a vacation by myself. This weekend I have three days off in a row, and I plan to take advantage of that.

I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to do, without worrying about who else sees me, or who else ignores me, or who else writes me off as obnoxious. And who knows? Perhaps something amazing will happen because of it.