Blah

Sometimes you're hungry... And you have a cupboard.. But you're not sure if there's any food in the cupboard. You think there is, but you can't be positive and for some reason, you're too afraid to look. You're almost sure that if you look in the cupboard and there is no food, you'll somehow die of disappointment. But then again, if you look and there is food, you'll be able to eat and temporarily numb the pain in your stomach. It's all a matter of looking. But sometimes it's better to wait to look inside? Like if you have cheese, you want it to mature. But then again, you don't want the crackers to spoil, so you can't wait too long.

And sometimes you have a radioactive substance and a cat and a device that emits Chlorine gas upon detection of a stray electron. And you may decide to put them all in the box. Ordinarily, this would be like Schrodinger's Cat, but say you leave the box where it is and go off somewhere else. Then it's sort of like the cupboard scenario... right?

And say, hypothetically and with no ties or relativity to the truth, you have someone that you like but you don't know if they like you too... And so you're sort of waiting for the cat to die, or the crackers to spoil, or their temporary interest in you to fade... And you're not sure when it is, and so you're not sure when to open the cupboard, you're not sure when to ask them about how they feel. And say you had a limited time to bring it up at all.. Say some sort of devastating thing was FOR SURE going to happen and you didn't know exactly when, but you could feel the hammer over your head. Wouldn't you write some crazy song too? Wouldn't you sing it to this person hoping that they will hear it and for some reason (without any prior indication) realize that it's about them? Wouldn't you try to hold their attention by any means necessary?

You know.. I just realized something. I'm sort of really a gigantic wuss, and I like to use the "..." more than I actually need to. I hate stagnation and yet the thought of losing what connection I have to him makes me fear change.

Change... change. changE. Egnahc. CHANGE. change change change change change change change change change change change change change change.

And now that that random assortment of letter holds no meaning to me anymore, I think I can finally see the truth. Change is constant as long as constants change. And constants are never really constant. So change is always changing. I guess it's some sort of truth. And I guess my fear of change is kind of irrational because change is ever present. Look, my finger was just on the "L" button, and now it's on the "e" button. That's a change. I'm terrified of Air. I'm terrified of Water. I'm terrified of Life. I'm terrified of People. I'm terrified of Change. I shouldn't be afraid of any of these things, because to be afraid of one is just as stupid and ridiculous as being afraid of another. They are always all around us. In fact, I lied to you. I'm only afraid of one (guess which). But now that I have that bit of logic "logicked" out, I think I can move on to getting over that fear.

It's incredibly interesting to me that when you feel hunger, the pain is in your stomach. It makes sense, you know? You eat and it goes to your stomach, the two are sort of connected. It's even more fascinating to me that when you feel unrequited love, you feel it in your heart. Why would it be there? What correlation do the two have? I wonder if that's why emotion is always tied to the heart, when in actuality it's caused by chemicals released by the amygdala. That's sort of a depressing sentiment.

I need to be more accepting of change, because if it's always going to be here, I sort of have to get used to it, and possibly learn to manipulate it. I think if I learn to manipulate change in a way that benefits me, and hopefully others, it would be a lot better, and the best way to manipulate something is to be one step ahead of it. I need to be one step ahead of change, and plan the way I want things to change. The only problem with being one step ahead of change, is that you don't always know how things are going to change, just like you don't know if there's food in the cupboard, or if the cat has been viciously burned to death by the horribly chlorine gas. I think the best way is to be prepared for when change does happen, and plan to change things yourself in the moments of stagnation.

Having made this important realization, I really hope I'm not too late to change things for myself. I'm going to go practice that ridiculous song I wrote for a ridiculous person that makes me feel ridiculous. Talk to you all later. ^_^

The new Circus in town!

Pacified lips wreak of horror
Succulent food I implore you
Reach for me now just a bit more
As soon as you're near I'll erase all your fears.

I feast on them now look at me grow
When my strength returns I will control
Your every last move just wait and see
The darkness that lives inside you and me.

So dance with me now,
this is your last chance to impress
the monster who will enslave you so
Dance baby! Prance baby! Trampse baby!
Waltz in this cirque du macabre!

The change is complete look at us now,
Traipsing around through the rest of the crowd
The onlookers who look so awnry
They don't know the joy of being so free.

So dance with me now,
this is your last chance to impress
the monster who will enslave you, so
Dance baby! Prance baby! Trampse baby!
Waltz in this cirque du macabre...

Power-reserve mode

You know, I think people as individuals have a number of things, annoyances if you will, that irritate them so much, they are forced to estrange themselves from whatever aggravates them so. Perhaps I have more than the average person, or perhaps I have less, who can say for sure? All I know absolutely, is that I encounter at least five of these annoyances every day here. And when these offenses, committed by a party that will remain unnamed, stack up enough times (as they most indubitably have), I find it impossible for myself not to shut down, to go away, to abandon them all to their own foolish trifles. It used to be that I shut myself away in my room, but while my room is temporarily occupied by a visitor who so foolishly placed herself in our midst, I am forced to find other means of escapement.

Until a few hours ago, that alternative reality was in the form of a particular computer game that, and those who know me will surely agree, appears to have the icy talons of addiction wrapped securely around me (hopefully I can explain exactly why this would appear so). It seems, however, that other people enjoy using the computer as well. I know, I was surprised too. First of all, they spend all of their time bickering that I was unaware they took pleasure in, or even knew how to do anything else. Second, no vocal representation of such desires ever reached my ears, and I assure you my headphones are not that securely placed in my head. I guess I am expected to be a mind-reading patriot to the cause of fixing a family that is quite unwilling to fix itself. As a side note, even if I could read minds, I would devoutly avoid directing such capabilities in the direction of any resident of this house. I fear the mental retardation some of them are burdened under would surely spread to myself.

So here I am, crouching in the corner of the remotest room that still receives internet connection, my so-called reign of tyranny over the iMac apparently over. I guess right now I'm debating the best course of action to take.

I could remain silent, like I always have. This accomplishes nothing, but leaves me in the convenient position of appearing neutral when, secretly, I despise most of them right now. I could adopt a harsh attitude of cynicism, which would, I'm afraid, only serve to further the distance between the already separated individuals of this shattered whole. I could become angry, which would get me temporary attention and affection, but would end in my father telling me to join the church and my brother telling me I will eventually commit suicide. In a nutshell, angry is out. I could be nice and affectionate and unconditionally loving to everyone, but I'm afraid I haven't the energy nor the motivation to help such stubborn-minded people who refuse to help themselves first. I could pick favorites and start a feud that would likely end in some predictably over-dramatic ending. Or maybe I could go play some more video games. That way I look like I'm being involved because I'm downstairs, but I can easily ignore all their bickering and sniveling and self-pity and their loathing and hating and ignorance and contemptuously immature mixture of irrationality and self-centered ideals (if they can even be called ideals). Sounds like a plan. I'll talk to you all later. ^_^

Cirque du Macabre

There is a place I once knew of
Down in the deep of the sewers
It is a house for the estranged
A vile little place to be born and raised

The people inside are all insane
Dancing around every which way
And to a tune most macabre
A waltz for their guests to prelude their death

Their song will entrance you
and their eyes will eat you alive
Their dance will enthrall you
and their lies will
bring
you
to
the
brink
of
insanity
and
then
push
you
over
the
edge.

So best be aware when you're near me
Lest a piece of me inside you I see
For then you will spend all eternity
In this sad house with no way out

Except for death itself.

Poems of a gruesome sort

This first one I wrote as lyrics to one of my songs. I'm not a singer myself, and I don't know why I wrote them when I can't sing... But here they are anyways.

Bodies are laying all over the ground
Their stillness is shocking they don't make a sound
The gun's in my hand and I don't know why
This dream will not end, in it I'll die
So I am...

Stuck here a-waiting in putrid palace
Drinking the blood from my father's chalice
People are coming and people are going
Names are a-drifting and reasons a-flowing
Down to the...

Ground is a-shaking with baby's footsteps
Rounding the corner into his last steps
Staring the barrel straight in the eye
Explosions are echoing through the sky
So I am

Free. Free to be me. Free now to see.
See that I'm free...

Freedom at last 'cause my family's gone
There's no one around who can tell me I'm wrong
I said I'd have vengeance and now it's taken
Vengeance is taken now I can awaken
From this bad dream...

This next one is a little more random and it may sound really bizarre, but I thought it would sound really nice spoken over the first song on my 'album' (if it can even be called an album, but whatever...)

Behold when I beheld the gate
It's vision broke across my pate
The image of it burned my eyes
The night was pierced with my cries
I looked unto the other side
and saw myself there, with pride
I gazed backwards towards the gate
Words were written o'er its face
The words I remember to this day still
They spoke to me, with thoughts and will
It said to me, where this gate stands
Marks the border between two lands
One of them is bright and true
The other is like me and you
Unfortunately where you now stand
Is the latter, that cursed land
Full of fun and carefree stuff
The likes of which, you'll never have enough
Mark this day, remember it well
As they day you walked through the gate of hell

I put one foot before the next,
but soon I grew very vexed
I was, after all, quite alone
In this place I would now call my home
I wondered aloud what the future held in store
No sooner this than "say no more"
The words they broke upon my ears
My mind then doubled its conscious fears
Before me stood what I thought was a man
If I had any sense, from him I would have ran.
But seeing as my current state
was quite forlorn, in its way
I listened to what he had to say
The words still haunt me to this day
He said to me "My dear old friend
You look scared, and full of dread
But I can help you with your plight
For I have been given future sight
I can see what will come next
and I can see you're quite perplexed
You wonder where it is you are
but I can show you, far and far
That where you stand is the better place
Compared to the life your memories will trace
Come with me, you'll see I'm right
I already know it, my clever sight
Has shown that you'll fit in quite well
In the land on the other side of the gates of hell.

I followed him, I had no choice
but still my fears, I did voice
He refuted them, every one
Saying they would be undone
When I saw that my future was
I still was nervous, and with good cause
He took me then to a circus tent
And told me it was there to prevent
The prying eyes whose greed would end
The fortunate fortune's dividend.
He peeled back the entrance, sending me in
And told me to make myself comforted, then
Formally opening with a musical stanza
Welcomed me to the voodoo fortune telling extravaganza


Anyways... These two might seem really dorky, stupid, immature, ridiculous, or a combination of all the above, but to me they hold special significance because they mark periods of my life and music. The second one is kind of ridiculous, I know that... But it leads into the next piece well. So... Yeah..... I would love to hear comments, criticism, hateful remarks... Anything. :)

Well well well...

It's been a few weeks into school, almost a month actually... I don't have anything less than an A- in any class, which I'm sure won't last long. Already, the school year seems so busy, I don't know if I'll have any social time. My school has a GSA though, which I'm super excited about. We've met a few times, and I've been sure to be to every single one. There are some really interesting people there. I've even made a few friends. In fact, I've made a lot of friends from all around school. It's amazing how social I am finding myself now that I don't have to worry about whether or not this person will still like me even when they find out I'm gay. The truth is, the majority of people here don't care one way or another, and I am really enjoying that fact. It's like finally removed the hundred pound weight that's been sitting on my chest.

Right now, I'm listening to Chopin's Ballade no. 1 for the Piano performed by Vladimir Ashkenazy. It's incredible, especially considering how difficult it is. It's the piece I want to start working on. I heart chopin.

School!

School is starting in 8 days. I am SUPER excited and SUPER anxious at the same time. I really don't know how I'm going to balance my time. Between homework and other things, I have a feeling I'm going to be totally swamped. I still need to get my driver's license. The DMV is making me re-take my driver's test which is going to suck. I also have to get some certificate proving I did so many hours of each class (actual classwork and observed behind the wheel time.) It's really absurd and kind of redundant (okay, more than just kind of redundant). I mean... I already passed the Utah requirements, and I'm sure that Washington has about the same, if not lesser requirements than Utah. Oh well...

Today I have to go and get proof of immunizations. Then I can actually register for school... It's been SO complicated. Issaquah school district is really stringent on how they let you in. They won't even apply for transfer of documents until you turn every single scrap of information in to them, and they won't let you turn in one thing unless you turn every thing in. Oh well... I'm sure we'll get it all worked out.

This year I want to take AP Biology, AP Chemistry, Pre-Calculus, and a few other classes including Yoga. That sounded really fun so, even though I'm already done with my P.E. Requirements, I signed up for the class. I need to take one semester of Northwest Studies because I never took the region information class in Utah.

All in all, the sign-up/registration process has been very boring and elongated, but I'm sure it could have been worse. What if I was transferring from another country? That would have sucked! Oh well...

Further along the plan includes tests like the ACT/SAT. I'm not over-anxious about that test because I've always tested well. I'm just nervous about not being able to actually take the test in time. I need to pester my parents about signing me up. And that's about it as far as school goes.

Goals for this year: Get good grades. Take the ACT/SAT. Apply for colleges. Play my music for more people in more places. That's about it! Wish my luck... I'll probably need it >.>