So Excited!

So... Third term for my school is finally over. And I got 5 A's and 3 A-'s! Basically straight A's. :) I'm so happy. This is the first time in QUITE some time I haven't gotten worse than an A. In fact, I think it might be a first. I am way surprised I did it in third term as well. Usually third term is the hardest for me. I think it has to do with being unmotivated and the depressing winters we have out here. Either way, third term usually sucks, and this time, I did better than I have in my whole high school career. I am very happy. :)

Unbearable

I don't know what I want to say with this post, so I'm just going to talk. tonight I went with my mom to buy seeds for this year's attempt at gardening. We started talking about what would happen should my dad get the job he's being interviewed for. Things got really heavy after that, I don't blame them. It's a sensitive subject.

I guess I feel trapped. I feel trapped in a place that I can never be happy in. My mom understands why I want to leave. My sister, on the other hand, is a different scenario. Sometimes I don't understand why she wants to go. She never really had any friends out there. I'd think going back there would bring up bad memories of what happened. Maybe that's just me.

I feel so bad for my mom sometimes. Emeli is abandoning her for temporary joy. Once Freddy and I move out, which will happen, she won't have anyone there. She will miss mom so bad, I don't think she'll be able to stand it. Eventually she will want to go back, and I'm sure my mom will be there when she does. Divorces are really messy. I suppose I never realized how bad they are until now. The beast that was made is finally showing its true nature.

Every day, I go through the same battle in my head. Should I go? Should I stay? I want to go so bad. SO bad.

There's someone at my school that I like. Someone I like a lot. But every day, I see this person, and I realize I could never be with them. I'm so angry that I let myself like this person so much, even though I knew nothing would ever happen. It's unbearable to know that this certain someone is so unattainable. I never want this to happen again. I never want to get so emotionally attached to someone who I can't even summon the nerve to talk to about how I feel. Living in this place is a curse. Religion hangs over these people's heads like a guillotine.

I've never been happy here. Every day, I have to convince myself to smile. It used to come second nature to me, and now smiling is an act of willpower.

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now, but it just doesn't feel right. I want out of this place. I want out of this prison of the heart. When I'm here, I want to yell. I want to break things. I want to smash people's heads together. I am so angry here. And now I have this one chance. This one chance to change how I am living. I want so desperately to leave this place, but it comes at such a high cost.

It is time.

Time for some serious change in my life. It's safe to say, such an opportunity for change has arisen in the form of my dad getting a job offer that would involve relocation to California. Here's what I've been thinking...

I've been stuck in Utah, convincing myself I am happy, and it hasn't worked. I still find myself lounging around the house, apathetic to everything around me. I've been keeping quiet about how I really feel because I know it kills my mom when I complain about how unhappy I am. I haven't had any good options besides that of, "Do well in school so you can get the hell out of dodge." Well... Now I have an opportunity to get out sooner. I know my mom will understand why I have to do this. The way I see it... How much worse can it be out there? Even if I can't find any friends I can relate with, how much different will it really be than staying here? At least it'll be sunnier, right?

I suppose I changed how I thought when I talked to one of my friends, he really helped illuminate the right decision for me. Honestly, I hear two sides. One from my dad, saying how much life in California will rock, and another from my mom, saying how much it will suck. Their arguments are complete opposites, contradicting each other one after another. "People in California are more accepting of gay people!" "You'll be living in Southern California and it's not that much better than here." "We'll have a nice place, and you'll be given a lot of freedom with how you live." "You'll be stuck living in a Ghetto area of Oxnard." The other day, a really smart friend of mine told me not to listen to either of them.

Then, of course, I was faced with the serious problem of what might happen should my sister be left alone in Utah. It would really suck for her. My mom is being really stubborn about my sister not going, and my dad is convinced a judge will make my mom relinquish her custody over my sister. Either way, I see extreme unhappiness in either situation with my sister... There are a lot of other problems it would create, what with broken connections to family members and such... My friend had a solution for that as well... "Calm down." He said. "What is the best thing for you to do for yourself? What place will make you happier? Or rather, what place has more opportunities for you to be happy?" It really struck me at how a pertinent question that was, and I was surprised I had overlooked that.

I've really been thinking a lot about it.. What place would make me happier? I really don't know. But I'm convinced, for sure, that I am not happy here. I haven't been happy here since day one. I feel myself loosing connections with who I really am. In fact, I don't know who I am anymore. It's been such a confusing aspect for me, and I have no other choice but to take a leap of faith and make a drastic change. And I really think that, for better or for worse, moving to California is what I really need right now.