It is time.

Time for some serious change in my life. It's safe to say, such an opportunity for change has arisen in the form of my dad getting a job offer that would involve relocation to California. Here's what I've been thinking...

I've been stuck in Utah, convincing myself I am happy, and it hasn't worked. I still find myself lounging around the house, apathetic to everything around me. I've been keeping quiet about how I really feel because I know it kills my mom when I complain about how unhappy I am. I haven't had any good options besides that of, "Do well in school so you can get the hell out of dodge." Well... Now I have an opportunity to get out sooner. I know my mom will understand why I have to do this. The way I see it... How much worse can it be out there? Even if I can't find any friends I can relate with, how much different will it really be than staying here? At least it'll be sunnier, right?

I suppose I changed how I thought when I talked to one of my friends, he really helped illuminate the right decision for me. Honestly, I hear two sides. One from my dad, saying how much life in California will rock, and another from my mom, saying how much it will suck. Their arguments are complete opposites, contradicting each other one after another. "People in California are more accepting of gay people!" "You'll be living in Southern California and it's not that much better than here." "We'll have a nice place, and you'll be given a lot of freedom with how you live." "You'll be stuck living in a Ghetto area of Oxnard." The other day, a really smart friend of mine told me not to listen to either of them.

Then, of course, I was faced with the serious problem of what might happen should my sister be left alone in Utah. It would really suck for her. My mom is being really stubborn about my sister not going, and my dad is convinced a judge will make my mom relinquish her custody over my sister. Either way, I see extreme unhappiness in either situation with my sister... There are a lot of other problems it would create, what with broken connections to family members and such... My friend had a solution for that as well... "Calm down." He said. "What is the best thing for you to do for yourself? What place will make you happier? Or rather, what place has more opportunities for you to be happy?" It really struck me at how a pertinent question that was, and I was surprised I had overlooked that.

I've really been thinking a lot about it.. What place would make me happier? I really don't know. But I'm convinced, for sure, that I am not happy here. I haven't been happy here since day one. I feel myself loosing connections with who I really am. In fact, I don't know who I am anymore. It's been such a confusing aspect for me, and I have no other choice but to take a leap of faith and make a drastic change. And I really think that, for better or for worse, moving to California is what I really need right now.