Unbearable

I don't know what I want to say with this post, so I'm just going to talk. tonight I went with my mom to buy seeds for this year's attempt at gardening. We started talking about what would happen should my dad get the job he's being interviewed for. Things got really heavy after that, I don't blame them. It's a sensitive subject.

I guess I feel trapped. I feel trapped in a place that I can never be happy in. My mom understands why I want to leave. My sister, on the other hand, is a different scenario. Sometimes I don't understand why she wants to go. She never really had any friends out there. I'd think going back there would bring up bad memories of what happened. Maybe that's just me.

I feel so bad for my mom sometimes. Emeli is abandoning her for temporary joy. Once Freddy and I move out, which will happen, she won't have anyone there. She will miss mom so bad, I don't think she'll be able to stand it. Eventually she will want to go back, and I'm sure my mom will be there when she does. Divorces are really messy. I suppose I never realized how bad they are until now. The beast that was made is finally showing its true nature.

Every day, I go through the same battle in my head. Should I go? Should I stay? I want to go so bad. SO bad.

There's someone at my school that I like. Someone I like a lot. But every day, I see this person, and I realize I could never be with them. I'm so angry that I let myself like this person so much, even though I knew nothing would ever happen. It's unbearable to know that this certain someone is so unattainable. I never want this to happen again. I never want to get so emotionally attached to someone who I can't even summon the nerve to talk to about how I feel. Living in this place is a curse. Religion hangs over these people's heads like a guillotine.

I've never been happy here. Every day, I have to convince myself to smile. It used to come second nature to me, and now smiling is an act of willpower.

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now, but it just doesn't feel right. I want out of this place. I want out of this prison of the heart. When I'm here, I want to yell. I want to break things. I want to smash people's heads together. I am so angry here. And now I have this one chance. This one chance to change how I am living. I want so desperately to leave this place, but it comes at such a high cost.