The Doldrums of Real Life.

It's over. Done. Complete. There's nothing left... I am free to do whatever I want. I am free to be as gay as my heart desires, or to be as creepy as I can, or to be as generous as my status can offer. I'm really free to do everything I've ever wanted. Free to be a human, free to make mistakes, free to make bad friends, free to date perverted people who I dumb a day later, free to ask for more than I need, free to go without.

And yet, all I see in the world are the barriers I have yet to bring down. The things holding me back from what I really want. Whether they're in my own head in the form of my self-consciousness, or whether they're more extrinsic problems like "how will I pay for college?" and "how will I survive on my own when the time comes for me to do so?"

The real problem in my life is that I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want to be. Well, that's not true. I want to be a musician. I want to be a performer. I want people to hear my music. I want them to hear it and feel the emotion I put into it. I want it to surpass the bullshit that is modern pop music. I want people to hear it and weep the same way I wept when I wrote it. I want them to hear it and laugh in maniacal joy over the strangeness of the tune.

I keep thinking about what I should do with my life, and that right now is the time to make the decision. What if college isn't right for me? I know I will love it, but I just don't see it happening. Where will I get the money? What if I go, learn to do whatever it is I learn to do, and then do nothing with it? What if I rack up thousands of dollars in debt only for a self-discovery that I could have had in the first place?

What if? What if? What if? what iF? WHAT IF? what if......... . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I already know how this will end.