I am going to end something that never began in any way shape or form outside of my own imagination. Sure, I mean, he knows I exist; we talk almost every day and we joke and tease each other a lot. But I just have to know... I just have to know how he feels. So I figure the fastest way to learn how he feels is to tell him how I feel. And I know just the way to do it.
So, a few weeks ago my school had an event called Acoustic Night, and I performed in it. Now the song that I performed was one that I wrote, and I wrote new lyrics for it for a specific purpose. I've posted the lyrics before, and they're basically about tempting someone to do something they want to do, but don't feel like they can do. Sort of coercing, but not so much coercing and more giving them a helping hand in the direction they want to go.
Anyways! I wrote this song and I was hoping to perform this song in front of this boy. I pestered him for a good two weeks before the performance, trying to ensure he was going. After he said he would, I pestered him even more to make sure he was going. Now, maybe I came on too strong, and I guess the last sentence made it sound that way... But I know when I'm being annoying, and this definitely was not as annoying as he's used to, so I don't think that was it.
Either way, for some reason, he ended up not going. It was infuriating. I was really angry at him because of it, and even now I still feel hurt though most of my anger is now sadness. Anyways... It's been a week or two since the performance, and I think I've finally realized that the only way I am going to get over him is though a definite and hopefully blunt and to the point answer, which is asking a lot considering nothing I do concerning him is blunt and to the point. It's taken me how long to finally rack up the courage to tell him how I feel?
Anyways... I am nervous, because what if he's not even gay? I mean.. It would irritate me less if he is gay, and just isn't interested in me than it would if he wasn't even gay in the first place. It's just super irritating to think that I could fall for someone who isn't even a possibility, and I would like to retain the idea that I am smarter than that. Chances are, I'll tell him how I feel and he'll flat out say no way, or something along those lines. That's really okay with me. It would be closure. Much. Needed. Closure. The type of closure I feel I've never had with anyone else I've felt this way about.
The problem... A lot of people in his position (religious family and religious individual coupled with the fact that he's a sports junky) would probably say the say the same thing, even if they were harboring feelings for someone. But maybe that's just the freak in me always looking for a way to blame it on something other than how he really feels. Either way, I think it's time for this ridiculousness to end. And end it will. On Monday. During Lunch. In the Library. With the candlestick.
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