Keine Angst...

I've been really nervous recently. Just super anxious over the move... I know it's what I want to do. I can't stand living in Utah anymore... I've had to endure it for almost three years now, and it's just really getting to me. I can't be myself to just anyone, I have to judge what kind of person they are first. It's really sad.

I feel like Washington is a much better choice, but I can't help having strange glimpses of tragedy and destruction. For some reason, every time I go to sleep, I always have weird feelings. It's almost as if every doubt I have about the move is accumulating in one spot and making a big display in my mind every night. I really need to get rid of all the tension I feel. I need to start jogging/exercising more.

I know that if I were to entertain every devastating thought my imagination can conjure, I would have no hope whatsoever. I would be literally overrun with terrible images and gruesome scenarios until I went insane. It's interesting and ironic that humans are given such an amazing tool as imagination, and some people can only make foul use of it.

This isn't the first time this has happened. When I was about nine or ten, I was so afraid of going blind, or of people coming and kidnapping me, or of dying terribly, or of other such things, that the only things I can really remember about that period of my life were the fears that I lived with every single day.

I need a good relaxing mantra to say to myself every night, or else a calming process that would help me forget my fears and analyze situations rationally.

It's sad that I've been given such a wonderful opportunity for change and the only thing I can think of is how it could go wrong. I guess it just goes to show how pitifully afraid I am. I need to start facing my fears, and moving to Washington is how I can start.

When I observe my behavior from different stand-points, I see how ridiculous my fears are. Religiously, I could say that God does not work through fear, but that Satan does. Scientifically I could say that everyone has to die sometime, that life is merely the eventuality of death. Spiritually I could say that my room conducts bad energy and that I am just being influenced by that. Mathematically I could say that the odds of me dying are equal to all the ways in which i could die over all the ways I can continue living and, given that there are infinite choices to choose from in life, there are infinite ways in which to live, but only a vast, yet fathomable, number of ways in which to die. The odds of living are definitely in my favor, and that has been proven since I have been alive for seventeen years. Philosophically, I could say that dying will eventually be the only thing left to do, and that people should embrace their physical departure with open arms.

Obviously, I've just proved the irrationality of my fears/worries... And yet, I continue to have them. I suppose only time will tell. And even if the worst happens, "to die will be a great adventure."

So I'm watching...

So I'm watching the Discovery channel. I usually don't watch T.V. but seeing as we just moved into a place where cable is free, I've been watching it much more frequently. I have to say... the Discovery channel is my favorite channel. Right now, it's "How the Universe Works"... Absolutely incredible. The facts that they throw out to people, not to mention the passion that these scientists feel about the things they discuss is mind-boggling. It really renews my faith in people. For instance, the stars that are at the center of the milky way are moving millions of miles per hour. Keep in mind... These aren't just planets... These are actual Suns. Like our sun. Our closest neighbor galaxy, the Andromeda galaxy, is revolving around a black hole that is millions of times the size of our sun. Our sun is millions of times the size of our Earth. There are some galaxies that are BILLIONS of times the size of our sun. If you don't understand exactly how much that is, you're not alone. The sheer size is astronomical... Literally... (Now you see why they use that term to describe such things). There are theories that at the center of the Universe, there is a ridiculously gigantic super-massive black hole, several billion times the size of our galaxy. If that's the case, according to popular theory about black holes, this particular hole could reduce the matter of the entire universe to the size of a ping-pong ball. And where have we heard that before? The big bang! Imagine if, at the end of our Universe's life, all matter (seeing as matter cannot be created or destroyed, simple changed) is recycled into the original form, and explodes outwards again to create even more life. If that's the case, imagine how many times that has happened before! This could be the 17th cycle of matter. Just think though... If that's the case, and there is a black hole billions of times the size of our galaxy at the center of the universe, and scientists say the universe is still expanding, it will be quadrillions of years before the universe could even begin to think of recycling itself. Far longer than the life-span of our sun. Who knows... Maybe when our sun explodes, it might become a black hole... Not that we'd be alive if that happened... Food for thought I guess. Up next... "Into the Universe with Steven Hawking."

Just Finished..

So... I just finished reading Fitzpatrick's War, written by Theodore Judson... I have to say, it's one of my favorite books of all time... Of all time! The care and detail put into creating this futuristic world is just incredible. Basically, it's the story of a tyrannical ruler of a futuristic society known as the Yukon. Before you dismiss it as a science-fiction novel, however, you have to understand it doesn't have laser weapons or anything like that. In fact, there's no electricity; everything is powered by steam. The book was released in 2004, and I'm surprised, and somewhat thankful, that it wasn't more popular than it is. There are, however, a few neat perks to how it was written that will make it stand out from the average sci-fi.

One, the story is written in first person by Fitzpatrick's friend, Robert Mayfair Bruce. Fitzpatrick is the tyrannical hero of the Yukon people. Why the words 'tyrannical hero' should be put together in such a serious manner, is, despite what you may think, easily explained. The book is the hated memoirs of Bruce, published in 2541. They were originally despised and regarded as treasonous because of their tainted description of historical events. One of the main, underlying themes of the book, is how history is written by the winners of history, and therefore, should be understood to be tainted by a biased opinion on the actual events. So, while Bruce regards Fitzpatrick as a tyrant, the people think of him as a hero.

The other interesting aspect in the book's format is the publisher's footnotes. Very often, you read the opinion of one "Doctor Professor Roland Modesty Van Buren." He solicits his opinion on every 'false truth' Bruce speaks throughout the text, and it is left to the reader to decide which one he will trust, though I don't know many people who have sided with the ostentatious professor.

The thing that captivated me the most about the book, however, were the characters. The society was based in a very rigid manner. Very un-accepting of diversity. It was interesting to me, that all throughout the book, you get little hints and nudges suggesting that the hero Fitzpatrick was not the person history perceived him to be, obviously... But I think I took my speculation a step further than the average reader... I got the distinct impression, through making connections and occult assumptions that Fitzpatrick was actually gay. There are a few things that lead me to believe this. One, he only marries because it is his duty to do so. Two, he never sleeps with his wife. In fact, she calls hims "Sexually unusual." Three, he usually makes friends only with people he can use in one way or another, yet, one of his friends (who you would have to be ridiculously naive to not assume is not gay based on the obvious hints throughout the book) is kept around for no apparent reason. Call it my biased opinion... But I think there was something more going on there...

All in all, I thought the detail and the absolute precision with which the book is written makes it a masterpiece. While I am glad it remains a less known book, and therefore avoids the complications that arise with popularity, I sometimes wish there were more people to discuss it with. Not only that, but I think we can all learn many valuable lessons from this book. It is strange that a book that does not assume its superiority because of a blatant message would, in fact, portray more powerful messages than any book that falls into the stereotypically ridiculous category of "Read me because I have something to say." Theodore Judson has, though (some lovable and other despicable) characters, brought his message closer to home than any book I have ever read. Through good old story telling, avoiding stereotypes (in plot and writing devices), and forcing you to fall in love with his characters, Judson has created something that will live eternally in the minds of the people who read it.

So Excited!

So... Third term for my school is finally over. And I got 5 A's and 3 A-'s! Basically straight A's. :) I'm so happy. This is the first time in QUITE some time I haven't gotten worse than an A. In fact, I think it might be a first. I am way surprised I did it in third term as well. Usually third term is the hardest for me. I think it has to do with being unmotivated and the depressing winters we have out here. Either way, third term usually sucks, and this time, I did better than I have in my whole high school career. I am very happy. :)

Unbearable

I don't know what I want to say with this post, so I'm just going to talk. tonight I went with my mom to buy seeds for this year's attempt at gardening. We started talking about what would happen should my dad get the job he's being interviewed for. Things got really heavy after that, I don't blame them. It's a sensitive subject.

I guess I feel trapped. I feel trapped in a place that I can never be happy in. My mom understands why I want to leave. My sister, on the other hand, is a different scenario. Sometimes I don't understand why she wants to go. She never really had any friends out there. I'd think going back there would bring up bad memories of what happened. Maybe that's just me.

I feel so bad for my mom sometimes. Emeli is abandoning her for temporary joy. Once Freddy and I move out, which will happen, she won't have anyone there. She will miss mom so bad, I don't think she'll be able to stand it. Eventually she will want to go back, and I'm sure my mom will be there when she does. Divorces are really messy. I suppose I never realized how bad they are until now. The beast that was made is finally showing its true nature.

Every day, I go through the same battle in my head. Should I go? Should I stay? I want to go so bad. SO bad.

There's someone at my school that I like. Someone I like a lot. But every day, I see this person, and I realize I could never be with them. I'm so angry that I let myself like this person so much, even though I knew nothing would ever happen. It's unbearable to know that this certain someone is so unattainable. I never want this to happen again. I never want to get so emotionally attached to someone who I can't even summon the nerve to talk to about how I feel. Living in this place is a curse. Religion hangs over these people's heads like a guillotine.

I've never been happy here. Every day, I have to convince myself to smile. It used to come second nature to me, and now smiling is an act of willpower.

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now, but it just doesn't feel right. I want out of this place. I want out of this prison of the heart. When I'm here, I want to yell. I want to break things. I want to smash people's heads together. I am so angry here. And now I have this one chance. This one chance to change how I am living. I want so desperately to leave this place, but it comes at such a high cost.

It is time.

Time for some serious change in my life. It's safe to say, such an opportunity for change has arisen in the form of my dad getting a job offer that would involve relocation to California. Here's what I've been thinking...

I've been stuck in Utah, convincing myself I am happy, and it hasn't worked. I still find myself lounging around the house, apathetic to everything around me. I've been keeping quiet about how I really feel because I know it kills my mom when I complain about how unhappy I am. I haven't had any good options besides that of, "Do well in school so you can get the hell out of dodge." Well... Now I have an opportunity to get out sooner. I know my mom will understand why I have to do this. The way I see it... How much worse can it be out there? Even if I can't find any friends I can relate with, how much different will it really be than staying here? At least it'll be sunnier, right?

I suppose I changed how I thought when I talked to one of my friends, he really helped illuminate the right decision for me. Honestly, I hear two sides. One from my dad, saying how much life in California will rock, and another from my mom, saying how much it will suck. Their arguments are complete opposites, contradicting each other one after another. "People in California are more accepting of gay people!" "You'll be living in Southern California and it's not that much better than here." "We'll have a nice place, and you'll be given a lot of freedom with how you live." "You'll be stuck living in a Ghetto area of Oxnard." The other day, a really smart friend of mine told me not to listen to either of them.

Then, of course, I was faced with the serious problem of what might happen should my sister be left alone in Utah. It would really suck for her. My mom is being really stubborn about my sister not going, and my dad is convinced a judge will make my mom relinquish her custody over my sister. Either way, I see extreme unhappiness in either situation with my sister... There are a lot of other problems it would create, what with broken connections to family members and such... My friend had a solution for that as well... "Calm down." He said. "What is the best thing for you to do for yourself? What place will make you happier? Or rather, what place has more opportunities for you to be happy?" It really struck me at how a pertinent question that was, and I was surprised I had overlooked that.

I've really been thinking a lot about it.. What place would make me happier? I really don't know. But I'm convinced, for sure, that I am not happy here. I haven't been happy here since day one. I feel myself loosing connections with who I really am. In fact, I don't know who I am anymore. It's been such a confusing aspect for me, and I have no other choice but to take a leap of faith and make a drastic change. And I really think that, for better or for worse, moving to California is what I really need right now.

A lie that fools the liar (the sweet wreak of denial)

The faces, themselves are consuming.

A lie, so intricately spun

it might just fool anyone.

Except for those unassuming.

The foul stench of those defining

the rules next to which we must run.

The scent, in basics is a simple one.

Hypocrisy, the smell of the soul when it's dying.

We run, we run, we run.

For what, we shall never know.

They tell us it's exactly what we need.

It's fun, it's fun, it's fun.

A lie; we reap what we sow.

A great tree without truth, all grown from a seed.

This poem was done for an English assignment this year. We were supposed to write in a certain format of a sonnet, I forget the name.

©Brett Kesler 2009