The Doldrums of Real Life.

It's over. Done. Complete. There's nothing left... I am free to do whatever I want. I am free to be as gay as my heart desires, or to be as creepy as I can, or to be as generous as my status can offer. I'm really free to do everything I've ever wanted. Free to be a human, free to make mistakes, free to make bad friends, free to date perverted people who I dumb a day later, free to ask for more than I need, free to go without.

And yet, all I see in the world are the barriers I have yet to bring down. The things holding me back from what I really want. Whether they're in my own head in the form of my self-consciousness, or whether they're more extrinsic problems like "how will I pay for college?" and "how will I survive on my own when the time comes for me to do so?"

The real problem in my life is that I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want to be. Well, that's not true. I want to be a musician. I want to be a performer. I want people to hear my music. I want them to hear it and feel the emotion I put into it. I want it to surpass the bullshit that is modern pop music. I want people to hear it and weep the same way I wept when I wrote it. I want them to hear it and laugh in maniacal joy over the strangeness of the tune.

I keep thinking about what I should do with my life, and that right now is the time to make the decision. What if college isn't right for me? I know I will love it, but I just don't see it happening. Where will I get the money? What if I go, learn to do whatever it is I learn to do, and then do nothing with it? What if I rack up thousands of dollars in debt only for a self-discovery that I could have had in the first place?

What if? What if? What if? what iF? WHAT IF? what if......... . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I already know how this will end.

I think it's time for this ridiculousness to end.

So... So so so... SO! I think I am going to end this stupid thing I have for this stupid person. Before anyone gets all offended about whether or not the stupid person will be upset, I beg any and all of my nonexistent readers to look at the sentence again. Notice there are a lot of I's and not a lot of We's.

I am going to end something that never began in any way shape or form outside of my own imagination. Sure, I mean, he knows I exist; we talk almost every day and we joke and tease each other a lot. But I just have to know... I just have to know how he feels. So I figure the fastest way to learn how he feels is to tell him how I feel. And I know just the way to do it.

So, a few weeks ago my school had an event called Acoustic Night, and I performed in it. Now the song that I performed was one that I wrote, and I wrote new lyrics for it for a specific purpose. I've posted the lyrics before, and they're basically about tempting someone to do something they want to do, but don't feel like they can do. Sort of coercing, but not so much coercing and more giving them a helping hand in the direction they want to go.

Anyways! I wrote this song and I was hoping to perform this song in front of this boy. I pestered him for a good two weeks before the performance, trying to ensure he was going. After he said he would, I pestered him even more to make sure he was going. Now, maybe I came on too strong, and I guess the last sentence made it sound that way... But I know when I'm being annoying, and this definitely was not as annoying as he's used to, so I don't think that was it.

Either way, for some reason, he ended up not going. It was infuriating. I was really angry at him because of it, and even now I still feel hurt though most of my anger is now sadness. Anyways... It's been a week or two since the performance, and I think I've finally realized that the only way I am going to get over him is though a definite and hopefully blunt and to the point answer, which is asking a lot considering nothing I do concerning him is blunt and to the point. It's taken me how long to finally rack up the courage to tell him how I feel?

Anyways... I am nervous, because what if he's not even gay? I mean.. It would irritate me less if he is gay, and just isn't interested in me than it would if he wasn't even gay in the first place. It's just super irritating to think that I could fall for someone who isn't even a possibility, and I would like to retain the idea that I am smarter than that. Chances are, I'll tell him how I feel and he'll flat out say no way, or something along those lines. That's really okay with me. It would be closure. Much. Needed. Closure. The type of closure I feel I've never had with anyone else I've felt this way about.

The problem... A lot of people in his position (religious family and religious individual coupled with the fact that he's a sports junky) would probably say the say the same thing, even if they were harboring feelings for someone. But maybe that's just the freak in me always looking for a way to blame it on something other than how he really feels. Either way, I think it's time for this ridiculousness to end. And end it will. On Monday. During Lunch. In the Library. With the candlestick.

Ugh...

Sometimes it feels good to let all your feelings out.. Sometimes it feels good to just cry it out.. All the stress, the anger, the self-pity, but most of all the regret. But lately I haven't been able to.. It's weird to imagine not being able to cry when you really feel like crying. It's even more upsetting than actually crying.

I just wish I could make myself stop feeling the way I do, and despite how embarrassing it might be, no matter how humiliating, and even how painful it can be sometimes, crying provides a temporary respite from reality. A temporary glimpse into an alternative world where everyone feels the way you do. A mirrored reflection of a truth forgotten; people care about you.

I know I should be happy, so many good things are happening right now. I am going to college in the fall, my brother is finally marrying his girlfriend, I just got my driver's license, I'm applying for my summer job... All these things are happening, and yet I can't help but feel upset.

It's not like it's because of any of these things in particular.. It's more the entire picture in combination with the stuff happening in my life. Well.. I think I've figured out what I want to call whatever my music will be grouped into; (be it a musical, an estranged album, or even some abstract collection of live performances) Unrequition.

I know it's not technically a word, but I think it should be. It's honestly the most applicable concept in my life right now, and it should be a word.

I'm thinking..

I'm thinking I might write a musical. Or rather, turn all of the music that I have written so far into a musical. I already have a storyline in mind, and it seems solid enough, and I'm thinking that it could work, though I will probably need some help from a lot of my friends, lol! Hmm.. This is an idea I will have to consider deeply.. :)

Nothing short of perfection

The signals travel down the wires in the headphones. When they hit the buds they break into a thousand forms of euphony. The relaxation begins. I close my eyes, but the thoughts are still parading around my head as if they belong there. I reach out and gather them up, compressing them into a ball of infinite density and energy. Soon they all fit in my hand. As I close my fingers around it, squeezing them tighter and tighter, the light issuing forth from the thought-ball slowly fades until it is a dark, cold lump of nothing.

When I open my hand, sand pours forth, meeting the sand already at my feat. I look out over the wolf-blue ocean. The waves seem to move too quickly, but somehow it makes it all the more realistic. I have found a new place to be alone. The ocean and the sand and the salty breeze and the tepid sun. The sound of breaking waves and seagulls crying. The quiet hum of sand blowing across sand. Natural. Pure. Wholesome. Serenity.
I hear a breath behind me. Even out here, he's found me. I guess there's no respite from my feelings. I can feel the tears, hot behind my eyes. My breath is warm in my throat, caught there behind a million unspoken declarations of affection. I want to tell him how I feel. I want to ask him if he feels the same way. I want him to feel the same way. I am going to tell him this but at the last minute my mouth betrays me. It speaks a reference to a past conversation, one he probably wouldn't remember.

"Once you let God into your heart, he is always there." He looked at me so meaningfully, it had to be true. My mind raced at the implications of his words. What do they really mean? Thousands of calculations played through my head. They overwhelmed my ability to process information and I just sat there dumbfounded. It must have looked so ridiculous.

"Are you like God then?" I ask over the crashing waves. "Once I let you into my heart, you never leave it? Even when I am alone with my thoughts, you will be there?" The dam breaks, the great torrent of salty tears stream noiselessly down my face as I stare impassively out into the unfathomable depths of a make-believe sea.
I look around at him, pleading with my eyes for an answer, only to find that he is smiling at me. "That's love."
"No." My voice is oddly powerful, it even surprises me. "This can't be love. This uncertainty, this unrequited adoration, these feelings of helplessness. These things can't be love."
The waves freeze over behind me. The sand beneath out feet grows hard and cold. The very air around us drops a good thirty degrees. I stare into his eyes though my vision is obscured by a snow that has started falling out of nowhere. Still his smile is as unmoving as cement. I force the world to change again, plummeting the temperature another thirty degrees. He starts to shiver, but his smile is as pacified as ever.
I stare deeper into his eyes, lost in the emerald and evergreen pigments. His oddly shaped nose, his irregularly large lips, his oddly blockish face. What about him is so attractive, so compelling? It's not his bushy eyebrows, or his dorky hairstyle. I stare into his eyes again. I am reminded of Jade. A jade summer. I stare at him and he stares back at me, and the truth breaks on me like the frozen wave behind me that wasn't able to.

Around us an explosion takes place. The permafrost beneath us explodes into grass. The frozen ocean explodes into a hill. At the top, a solitary tree explodes into being. Without a word, we climb to the top of the hill. We stare out over the lake that has always been there, and the mountains that stand as resolute as they always do. To our right is the forest, as rooted to the ground as they always have been. And to our left is the vastly unexplored terrain, still as mysterious as our hearts have always wanted it to be.

I open my eyes, and reality hits me in the face like a cold torrent of wind on a frigid winter's day.

Blah

Sometimes you're hungry... And you have a cupboard.. But you're not sure if there's any food in the cupboard. You think there is, but you can't be positive and for some reason, you're too afraid to look. You're almost sure that if you look in the cupboard and there is no food, you'll somehow die of disappointment. But then again, if you look and there is food, you'll be able to eat and temporarily numb the pain in your stomach. It's all a matter of looking. But sometimes it's better to wait to look inside? Like if you have cheese, you want it to mature. But then again, you don't want the crackers to spoil, so you can't wait too long.

And sometimes you have a radioactive substance and a cat and a device that emits Chlorine gas upon detection of a stray electron. And you may decide to put them all in the box. Ordinarily, this would be like Schrodinger's Cat, but say you leave the box where it is and go off somewhere else. Then it's sort of like the cupboard scenario... right?

And say, hypothetically and with no ties or relativity to the truth, you have someone that you like but you don't know if they like you too... And so you're sort of waiting for the cat to die, or the crackers to spoil, or their temporary interest in you to fade... And you're not sure when it is, and so you're not sure when to open the cupboard, you're not sure when to ask them about how they feel. And say you had a limited time to bring it up at all.. Say some sort of devastating thing was FOR SURE going to happen and you didn't know exactly when, but you could feel the hammer over your head. Wouldn't you write some crazy song too? Wouldn't you sing it to this person hoping that they will hear it and for some reason (without any prior indication) realize that it's about them? Wouldn't you try to hold their attention by any means necessary?

You know.. I just realized something. I'm sort of really a gigantic wuss, and I like to use the "..." more than I actually need to. I hate stagnation and yet the thought of losing what connection I have to him makes me fear change.

Change... change. changE. Egnahc. CHANGE. change change change change change change change change change change change change change change.

And now that that random assortment of letter holds no meaning to me anymore, I think I can finally see the truth. Change is constant as long as constants change. And constants are never really constant. So change is always changing. I guess it's some sort of truth. And I guess my fear of change is kind of irrational because change is ever present. Look, my finger was just on the "L" button, and now it's on the "e" button. That's a change. I'm terrified of Air. I'm terrified of Water. I'm terrified of Life. I'm terrified of People. I'm terrified of Change. I shouldn't be afraid of any of these things, because to be afraid of one is just as stupid and ridiculous as being afraid of another. They are always all around us. In fact, I lied to you. I'm only afraid of one (guess which). But now that I have that bit of logic "logicked" out, I think I can move on to getting over that fear.

It's incredibly interesting to me that when you feel hunger, the pain is in your stomach. It makes sense, you know? You eat and it goes to your stomach, the two are sort of connected. It's even more fascinating to me that when you feel unrequited love, you feel it in your heart. Why would it be there? What correlation do the two have? I wonder if that's why emotion is always tied to the heart, when in actuality it's caused by chemicals released by the amygdala. That's sort of a depressing sentiment.

I need to be more accepting of change, because if it's always going to be here, I sort of have to get used to it, and possibly learn to manipulate it. I think if I learn to manipulate change in a way that benefits me, and hopefully others, it would be a lot better, and the best way to manipulate something is to be one step ahead of it. I need to be one step ahead of change, and plan the way I want things to change. The only problem with being one step ahead of change, is that you don't always know how things are going to change, just like you don't know if there's food in the cupboard, or if the cat has been viciously burned to death by the horribly chlorine gas. I think the best way is to be prepared for when change does happen, and plan to change things yourself in the moments of stagnation.

Having made this important realization, I really hope I'm not too late to change things for myself. I'm going to go practice that ridiculous song I wrote for a ridiculous person that makes me feel ridiculous. Talk to you all later. ^_^

The new Circus in town!

Pacified lips wreak of horror
Succulent food I implore you
Reach for me now just a bit more
As soon as you're near I'll erase all your fears.

I feast on them now look at me grow
When my strength returns I will control
Your every last move just wait and see
The darkness that lives inside you and me.

So dance with me now,
this is your last chance to impress
the monster who will enslave you so
Dance baby! Prance baby! Trampse baby!
Waltz in this cirque du macabre!

The change is complete look at us now,
Traipsing around through the rest of the crowd
The onlookers who look so awnry
They don't know the joy of being so free.

So dance with me now,
this is your last chance to impress
the monster who will enslave you, so
Dance baby! Prance baby! Trampse baby!
Waltz in this cirque du macabre...