Well well well..

Well, what do we have here?

The promise of a better year?

Not so, I would not dare to dream

Of a life so wonderful, So let's come clean.

What is it you really desire?

The savant's craze or passion's fire?

And what of when the kindling dies,

Will the night be pierced with your cries

Or the promises of devotion still

Despite the tongue's dwindling fill?

Tell me again, this time sincere

Of what allure should hold you here

On what level of infinite do I exist

That your attention is still as fixed

As it was on day one

With the promise of a brighter sun.

You are most immeasurably the better

But can you withstand the doldrum's weather?

Once twists and turns have all died down

And what we're left with is calm's sweet sound

You'll look at me with a different face

A stranger one that pricks no trace

Upon the memories of an exciting past

Fragile as wind, the stare will last

Always there under every face

The residue of a slower pace

When ecstasy's raw power

Has depleted its last hour

And the promise of future sips

From its fountain never left its lips

We're stuck here watching as the whole thing falls

The fortitude of excitement, gone from it's walls

The castle that we had built together

To withstand the hardest weather

Fails the simplest test there is

The test of time.

New Song Lyrics!

Cynicism in a Random Key

Now listen to an anecdote that's starved of any joy

A tragic tale of accidents about a little boy

He died one day because a bullet soared right through his brain

Black ash was on his fingertips no signs of foul-play

His wish was that they'd send him off, and that is what they did

With covers of white silk a once strong body now placid

They wept they cried they moaned in pain, but not because he died

Their sorrow lay with where they thought his soul would now reside

In life he was a sinner, for in his heart he loved

To be a wicked naughty boy not bound to his betrothed

They sent him to the altar, the woman by his side

He spurned her love on that sad day, his vows he did deny

Let us take a moment to say thanks to his family for providing such tasty treats at his funeral service

Because when you have a relative that sins it's important to keep up your appearances

And this boy was a sinner in everything that he ever did!

He rejected help, he would not turn from what he thought was true

Love is love, he'd always say, I guess that love was you

Of course we know that he was wrong, we hate those of his kind

But this one died, so I guess in the end it's just fine.

The Doldrums of Real Life.

It's over. Done. Complete. There's nothing left... I am free to do whatever I want. I am free to be as gay as my heart desires, or to be as creepy as I can, or to be as generous as my status can offer. I'm really free to do everything I've ever wanted. Free to be a human, free to make mistakes, free to make bad friends, free to date perverted people who I dumb a day later, free to ask for more than I need, free to go without.

And yet, all I see in the world are the barriers I have yet to bring down. The things holding me back from what I really want. Whether they're in my own head in the form of my self-consciousness, or whether they're more extrinsic problems like "how will I pay for college?" and "how will I survive on my own when the time comes for me to do so?"

The real problem in my life is that I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want to be. Well, that's not true. I want to be a musician. I want to be a performer. I want people to hear my music. I want them to hear it and feel the emotion I put into it. I want it to surpass the bullshit that is modern pop music. I want people to hear it and weep the same way I wept when I wrote it. I want them to hear it and laugh in maniacal joy over the strangeness of the tune.

I keep thinking about what I should do with my life, and that right now is the time to make the decision. What if college isn't right for me? I know I will love it, but I just don't see it happening. Where will I get the money? What if I go, learn to do whatever it is I learn to do, and then do nothing with it? What if I rack up thousands of dollars in debt only for a self-discovery that I could have had in the first place?

What if? What if? What if? what iF? WHAT IF? what if......... . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I already know how this will end.

I think it's time for this ridiculousness to end.

So... So so so... SO! I think I am going to end this stupid thing I have for this stupid person. Before anyone gets all offended about whether or not the stupid person will be upset, I beg any and all of my nonexistent readers to look at the sentence again. Notice there are a lot of I's and not a lot of We's.

I am going to end something that never began in any way shape or form outside of my own imagination. Sure, I mean, he knows I exist; we talk almost every day and we joke and tease each other a lot. But I just have to know... I just have to know how he feels. So I figure the fastest way to learn how he feels is to tell him how I feel. And I know just the way to do it.

So, a few weeks ago my school had an event called Acoustic Night, and I performed in it. Now the song that I performed was one that I wrote, and I wrote new lyrics for it for a specific purpose. I've posted the lyrics before, and they're basically about tempting someone to do something they want to do, but don't feel like they can do. Sort of coercing, but not so much coercing and more giving them a helping hand in the direction they want to go.

Anyways! I wrote this song and I was hoping to perform this song in front of this boy. I pestered him for a good two weeks before the performance, trying to ensure he was going. After he said he would, I pestered him even more to make sure he was going. Now, maybe I came on too strong, and I guess the last sentence made it sound that way... But I know when I'm being annoying, and this definitely was not as annoying as he's used to, so I don't think that was it.

Either way, for some reason, he ended up not going. It was infuriating. I was really angry at him because of it, and even now I still feel hurt though most of my anger is now sadness. Anyways... It's been a week or two since the performance, and I think I've finally realized that the only way I am going to get over him is though a definite and hopefully blunt and to the point answer, which is asking a lot considering nothing I do concerning him is blunt and to the point. It's taken me how long to finally rack up the courage to tell him how I feel?

Anyways... I am nervous, because what if he's not even gay? I mean.. It would irritate me less if he is gay, and just isn't interested in me than it would if he wasn't even gay in the first place. It's just super irritating to think that I could fall for someone who isn't even a possibility, and I would like to retain the idea that I am smarter than that. Chances are, I'll tell him how I feel and he'll flat out say no way, or something along those lines. That's really okay with me. It would be closure. Much. Needed. Closure. The type of closure I feel I've never had with anyone else I've felt this way about.

The problem... A lot of people in his position (religious family and religious individual coupled with the fact that he's a sports junky) would probably say the say the same thing, even if they were harboring feelings for someone. But maybe that's just the freak in me always looking for a way to blame it on something other than how he really feels. Either way, I think it's time for this ridiculousness to end. And end it will. On Monday. During Lunch. In the Library. With the candlestick.

Ugh...

Sometimes it feels good to let all your feelings out.. Sometimes it feels good to just cry it out.. All the stress, the anger, the self-pity, but most of all the regret. But lately I haven't been able to.. It's weird to imagine not being able to cry when you really feel like crying. It's even more upsetting than actually crying.

I just wish I could make myself stop feeling the way I do, and despite how embarrassing it might be, no matter how humiliating, and even how painful it can be sometimes, crying provides a temporary respite from reality. A temporary glimpse into an alternative world where everyone feels the way you do. A mirrored reflection of a truth forgotten; people care about you.

I know I should be happy, so many good things are happening right now. I am going to college in the fall, my brother is finally marrying his girlfriend, I just got my driver's license, I'm applying for my summer job... All these things are happening, and yet I can't help but feel upset.

It's not like it's because of any of these things in particular.. It's more the entire picture in combination with the stuff happening in my life. Well.. I think I've figured out what I want to call whatever my music will be grouped into; (be it a musical, an estranged album, or even some abstract collection of live performances) Unrequition.

I know it's not technically a word, but I think it should be. It's honestly the most applicable concept in my life right now, and it should be a word.

I'm thinking..

I'm thinking I might write a musical. Or rather, turn all of the music that I have written so far into a musical. I already have a storyline in mind, and it seems solid enough, and I'm thinking that it could work, though I will probably need some help from a lot of my friends, lol! Hmm.. This is an idea I will have to consider deeply.. :)

Nothing short of perfection

The signals travel down the wires in the headphones. When they hit the buds they break into a thousand forms of euphony. The relaxation begins. I close my eyes, but the thoughts are still parading around my head as if they belong there. I reach out and gather them up, compressing them into a ball of infinite density and energy. Soon they all fit in my hand. As I close my fingers around it, squeezing them tighter and tighter, the light issuing forth from the thought-ball slowly fades until it is a dark, cold lump of nothing.

When I open my hand, sand pours forth, meeting the sand already at my feat. I look out over the wolf-blue ocean. The waves seem to move too quickly, but somehow it makes it all the more realistic. I have found a new place to be alone. The ocean and the sand and the salty breeze and the tepid sun. The sound of breaking waves and seagulls crying. The quiet hum of sand blowing across sand. Natural. Pure. Wholesome. Serenity.
I hear a breath behind me. Even out here, he's found me. I guess there's no respite from my feelings. I can feel the tears, hot behind my eyes. My breath is warm in my throat, caught there behind a million unspoken declarations of affection. I want to tell him how I feel. I want to ask him if he feels the same way. I want him to feel the same way. I am going to tell him this but at the last minute my mouth betrays me. It speaks a reference to a past conversation, one he probably wouldn't remember.

"Once you let God into your heart, he is always there." He looked at me so meaningfully, it had to be true. My mind raced at the implications of his words. What do they really mean? Thousands of calculations played through my head. They overwhelmed my ability to process information and I just sat there dumbfounded. It must have looked so ridiculous.

"Are you like God then?" I ask over the crashing waves. "Once I let you into my heart, you never leave it? Even when I am alone with my thoughts, you will be there?" The dam breaks, the great torrent of salty tears stream noiselessly down my face as I stare impassively out into the unfathomable depths of a make-believe sea.
I look around at him, pleading with my eyes for an answer, only to find that he is smiling at me. "That's love."
"No." My voice is oddly powerful, it even surprises me. "This can't be love. This uncertainty, this unrequited adoration, these feelings of helplessness. These things can't be love."
The waves freeze over behind me. The sand beneath out feet grows hard and cold. The very air around us drops a good thirty degrees. I stare into his eyes though my vision is obscured by a snow that has started falling out of nowhere. Still his smile is as unmoving as cement. I force the world to change again, plummeting the temperature another thirty degrees. He starts to shiver, but his smile is as pacified as ever.
I stare deeper into his eyes, lost in the emerald and evergreen pigments. His oddly shaped nose, his irregularly large lips, his oddly blockish face. What about him is so attractive, so compelling? It's not his bushy eyebrows, or his dorky hairstyle. I stare into his eyes again. I am reminded of Jade. A jade summer. I stare at him and he stares back at me, and the truth breaks on me like the frozen wave behind me that wasn't able to.

Around us an explosion takes place. The permafrost beneath us explodes into grass. The frozen ocean explodes into a hill. At the top, a solitary tree explodes into being. Without a word, we climb to the top of the hill. We stare out over the lake that has always been there, and the mountains that stand as resolute as they always do. To our right is the forest, as rooted to the ground as they always have been. And to our left is the vastly unexplored terrain, still as mysterious as our hearts have always wanted it to be.

I open my eyes, and reality hits me in the face like a cold torrent of wind on a frigid winter's day.